


i love you (i don't want to)

by nicotinewrites



Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, But both Remus and Virgil are idiots, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, F/M, Good Brother Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Latino Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, M/M, Mentioned Abusive Parents, Misunderstandings, Or Is It?, Past Abuse, Protective Deceit | Janus Sanders, Queer Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicotinewrites/pseuds/nicotinewrites
Summary: Virgil was vulnerable. He was a broken mess, destroyed after years of abuse. Remus was the only significant other who actually cared for him, and he fucked that up too. Just because he couldn't say three simple words: i love you.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/The Dragon Witch (past), Anxiety| Virgil Sanders/OMC (past), Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899910
Comments: 4
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> Before y'all read this, I just want to say that to those who requested, I'm working on it. I know you requested a while ago but I want the works to be good quality since you guys deserve it. Also, I will probably continue this at a later date since I hate sad-ish endings but I wanted to post something even if it was really tiny and not good at all.  
> Anyways, trigger warnings for this work:  
> Misunderstandings;  
> Panic Attack (kinda?);  
> Past Abuse;  
> Spiralling Thoughts;  
> Self-deprecating language.  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash xx

Virgil stared at Remus, disbelieving. The words he just said were all Virgil could hear. _Iloveyousstormyiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou._

“What the fuck? Why would you say that? It’s not true. It can’t be true.”

“It is, Stormy. I love y-”

“Don’t. Please take it back and say you were trying to make a joke. Please.”

“I can’t, Stormy. It wasn’t a joke. I would never joke with you about this. You’re everything I want to have in my life. But, if you don’t feel about me the same way, I understand. I just wanted you to know.”

Remus’s eyes were bloodshot, tears trailing on his cheeks. Shit. He almost never cried. In the twenty-plus years Virgil knew his chaotic boyfriend, he’d only ever seen Remus cry ten or so times. The last time he properly cried like that was during the biggest argument of their friendship, long before they started dating. It was an argument that ruined their friendship for a good few years- that and because of other reasons Virgil really didn’t want to think about- but ultimately brought them closer (mainly because they were determined not to lose each other but also thanks to the meddling of their friends and families).

“Krake wait-”

He didn’t wait. Virgil’s heart broke in his chest as he watched his boyfriend of four years walk out. His knees buckled and he sobbed, chest heaving and hands shaking. He probably just lost the only healthy significant other he had and all because he couldn’t say those three words. He was a fucking mess and it was all his fault. He was so stupid, just like Adelina used to say. He should have just said it back to Remus instead of freaking out like he did.

It’s not like he would be lying. He truly loved Remus. He just couldn’t say it back. Not after the words became his prison with Adelina, a way to lessen the blows and hide away from the truth. Not when he told Rex he loved him and he revealed their whole relationship was a hoax. Not when his own parents used the words against him, breaking him until he ran away one day and moved in with Janus.

Janus. He needed Janus. He would probably be out with Patton, being all coupley and reminding Virgil of what he lost. It was Friday, and Friday was their date night. He didn’t want to take them from each other, even if it would only be for a few hours.

_“Never be afraid to ask for what you need, Solnyshkuh. Even if it’s a Friday and I’m out with Pat. If you need me, I’ll be there.”_

Virgil grabbed his phone and rang Janus.

“Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up, please pick u-”

“Lapachka? Is everything ok?”

“N-No Schnurzelpurzel. Can you come round? I know you’re busy with Patton since it’s Friday but I really need you and I’m scared that if you don’t come I’ll do something stupid and shit I’m rambling and-”

“I’ll be there. Meelyi wants to know if you need any food. He’s made some pasta if you want it.”

“Uhm… yes please.”

“Ok. I’ll be at yours in a few. Just hang in there Solnyshkuh, yeah?”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can ask for.”


	2. The Smile That You Gave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus and Virgil finally talk their issues out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies!  
> This has been a long time coming and it's finally finished. Now I can get some requests done.  
> Trigger warnings:   
> Food mention;  
> Past Abuse;  
> Love being used in an abusive way;  
> Miscommunication.  
> That's all, I think.  
> Happy reading,  
> Ash x

Virgil launched himself into Janus’s arms, the older boy knowing what was going to happen and quickly placing his stuff on the floor.

“What happened, Solnyshkuh? What did Remus do?”

Janus loved Remus. They were best friends after all, the two of them doing their best to challenge society whenever they could. Even so, Janus knew better than most just how stupid Remus could be. It’s not like Virgil wasn’t any worse, but Remus was usually the one who hurt Virgil, not the other way round.

Virgil sobbed louder into Janus’s chest, and Janus had to do everything he could to stop himself from killing the Adelio-Reyes boy.

“It wasn’t Remus’s fault. It was me. I think we broke up and all because I couldn’t say ‘I love you’ back. Why couldn’t I say it back Schnurzelpurzel? What’s wrong with me? I love him and I know I do, but I couldn’t say it back.”

“Shh, Solnyshkuh. Nothing is wrong with you. You’ve been abused, Lapachka. That’s it. You’re not broken or wrong or whatever Adelina used to tell you. You’re more than the awful words your parents called you, and you are worth so much more than the sex you gave Rex. I’d never lie to you when it comes to this, and you know it. You’re my Solnyshkuh. If you can’t tell Remus you love him back, then that’s ok. Just show it in different ways. Or write it down. Or you could do what I did before I told Meelyi.”

“What did you do?”

“I’m about to tell you. Just, let us sit down so I can give you the pasta he made.”

Virgil nodded, pulling out of his brother’s hold and sitting on the sofa. Janus grabbed the vat of pasta and the two forks, before shoving the container into his brother’s hands.

“Eat up. Can’t plan to get your Krake back on an empty stomach now, can we?”

Virgil rolled his eyes but gave in, shovelling spoonfuls of pasta into his mouth. Janus joined in and they soon finished the entire box, stomachs full and sated.

“I cooked a meal for Meelyi the day after he told me he loved me. I invited him to my place and made it all romantic. Then I explained how I’d probably never be able to tell him I loved him verbally. Instead, I started writing notes. Notes in his workbag, notes in his clothes-draw. Notes wherever I could put them. I told him how beautiful he was to me, and how I treasured him because he was my soulmate, basically. You could do the same for your Krake.”

Virgil swallowed, then nodded.

“Could I have some help though? Cooking is not my strong suit.”

Janus got flashbacks to the time Virgil stayed over and managed to explode the kitchen.

“Yeah, I’m cooking everything. You can watch.”

**--**

Virgil fiddled with the cuffs of his button-down shirt, courtesy of Schnurzelpurzel. He had curled Virgil’s usually straight black hair and added dark purple highlights in it, before making sure his make-up matched. He gave Virgil a once-over and smiled, obviously proud with his work. 

“You look beautiful, Solnyshkuh. If doesn’t try to rip those clothes off you, he’s stupid and you should break up. Date Logan and Roman instead. They’d happily have you.”

Virgil rolled his eyes at Janus, used to dealing with his bullshit.

“Yeah yeah. Just, get out when he gets here ok? This will be awkward as it is. Don’t need you to be all protective and shit too. That’ll only make it worse.”

It was Janus’s turn to roll his eyes, obviously resisting the urge to smirk. They both knew that Virgil truly liked Janus being as protective as he was but he wasn’t about to say it out loud. He had a reputation to protect after all.

A knock on the door had Virgil flinch, hands shaking. Janus noticed and went to open the door, wordlessly letting Virgil calm himself down as his brother let Remus into the apartment.

Virgil knew what he had to say. He knew what he wanted to do. He knew he had to open up. But he was still so fucking scared.

“Stormy? Is everything ok?”

“No. I fucked everything up, Krake. And you deserve to know why. It definitely wasn’t because of you. It could never be because of you. You’re… incredible. But I, I don’t deserve you.”

“Virgil-“

“Let him say his piece, Remus. I’ll be in my apartment if you need me.”

Virgil watched his brother leave and turned to Remus, offering his hand to him. They sat down on the sofa, Virgil instinctively cuddling into Remus. He realised and went to moe, only for Remus to gently put his head on Remus’s lap.

“I was abused. By my parents, then by Adelina and Rex. All of them had me thinking I didn’t deserve love. Adelina made those words my prison. If I told her I loved her, she wouldn’t hurt me as much. But I didn’t love her. Not like I love you.”

Remus’s breath hitched and Virgil nodded, wiping tears from his eyes.

“I love you so much, mein Krake. You’re my life, and I’m so sorry I acted how I did. I was so scared, but now I know I don’t have to be afraid. If you want me, I’d love to start our relationship again.”

“I… You broke my heart, Stormy. But I still love you. And I forgive you for everything, because it wasn’t your fault. I love you, and I’m so happy you love me.”

And in a shitty apartment, two broken souls began the process of becoming whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, my requests are open. You can either request here, or on my tumblr (nicotinewrites17) or instagram (nicotinewrites).


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